Olleh's Love Advice Column

February 13 2018

It’s that time of year again: love is in the air, tears of joy and sadness fill the streets, and at the very least you’ll have a shot at some discount chocolate later this week. This Valentine’s day, our resident love doctor Joo-sung “Olleh” Kim offers his advice to readers hopeful for true love, happiness, and that warm fuzzy feeling to carry them to Spring.

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Dear Olleh: There is this girl that I talk to online a lot. She seems to like me a lot and is always the one who starts conversations. But when we are in the same area or space at events and stuff, we don't interact. How should I break the ice and make it not so awkward? Thanks. - Online Heartthrob

Dear Online Heartthrob: Usually, the girl waits for the guy to talk to her... usually... If the girl talks to the guy that means you might already be in the friend zone. I think she is shy. If she talks a lot on the internet but not so much in person that means she is shy, she wants you to talk more, she wants you to be more aggressive cause she tries hard online. So she is giving you a chance to be more brave. If I'm the girl I want you to grab that chance to be with me.

Just think, you are sure that she likes you so whatever you say she will like it. Just don't say some bullshit. Say something normal, say something that she will like, just say everything cause you already know that she is interested in you. You have to be brave! - Olleh

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Dear Olleh: How does one get out of the friendzone? - @rdesena2

Dear @rdesena2: The thing is if you want to get out of the friendzone you have to do more than friendzone stuff. In friendzone if you just go to places with lots of people, you have to do something different from that stuff. Start to go somewhere with only two people, only you and her. You have to do something different. If you didn't grab their hand, or say sweet words to her, you have to do something more special than before.

In Korea usually the younger guy will feel like it's hard to ask older girls to date, but there are some guys who always ask something different. They ask them to do more like go eat or drink 1v1. There are lots of ways to do something different than just friendzone stuff. - Olleh

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Dear Olleh: Everyone has a crush or is in a relationship except me. I'm a lonely, hopeless romantic. What should I do? - Lonely in Winter

Dear Lonely in Winter: Just wait! You just need to wait. That's the answer. Just wait and do your stuff well and one day you will meet someone super great, like a rainbow. - Olleh

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Dear Olleh: How do you get over someone you really love? How do you get over heartbreak - Solos this Valentine’s

Dear Solos this Valentine’s: It's a hard question... I think you can't just remove that memory. You love someone and the time that someone really loves you—that's really precious. I think that's really important in our life. Even rich people, or someone who is really famous, they need love. I think everyone has someone in their heart that they really miss.

You just need to change your mindset. After you break up just think, 'I cherish that that person loved me at the time, he put lots of effort into me, then maybe we got something lost in translation, or some misunderstanding' whatever it is. There are tons of reasons breakups happen but you have to cherish that person that loved you so much at that moment. It's not an easy thing but it's not normal when someone loves you, it's kinda lucky, it's a miracle I believe. So you have to change your mindset and think, 'thank you so much that you really loved me before and I cherish your effort and because of you I could grow up as a better person, and I will use these lessons for my next lover.' Your next lover will be much better because you learned from that relationship. - Olleh

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Dear Olleh: What movie should I watch with my Valentine? - Popcorn Cuddler

Dear Popcorn Cuddler: The American one is "About Time". After you watch this you will really cherish each second, each moment.

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Dear Olleh: My boyfriend is bad at league and I don't know how to tell him without hurting his feelings. What should I say? - @Nyxgoddess618

Dear @Nyxgoddess618: Why do you want to tell him! Why do you want to hurt him, that's mean! There's no way to not hurt people by telling them they're bad at League... If you compare to famous people like Michael Jackson or someone like if you tell him, 'oh your singing is way worse than Ed Sheeran' he won't feel bad, but he will know he's bad. So you maybe you need to say, 'you are much worse than pro player.' If he plays top say, 'you are way worse than Impact,' and he will know that he's not as good as Impact and he is bad, but he won't feel bad because he knows that pro players are the best.

If you just say, 'hey you are platinum but you are way worse than a diamond player in my neighborhood,' then he will feel really bad. He's gonna say, 'hey just ask him to 1v1, maybe we can do aram or we can rank 1v1.' He will be very angry, so just compare him to a high pro player. - Olleh

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Dear Olleh: So, my friend has a girlfriend who is really abusive to him, she wants to control his life and every decision he makes, he broke up with her once, but she guilt tripped him into getting back with her. I tried talking to him that this is not healthy, but he won't listen. - Worried Wingman

Dear Worried Wingman: Let him experience that. Once he breaks up with her, he will really cherish the girl who has a good mindset. After he experiences his girlfriend controlling him and his friends suffering around him, he will be more wise to choose someone who will treat him better. Don't try to stop him if he won't let you. The experience will be good for his next girlfriend. Just don't let him marry her, stop him! Ask him to use protection, don't make a baby! Just ask him to not marry but let him experience and learn on his own that's enough. Nothing permanent, seriously. If your friend is absolutely going to hell by himself like that and you don’t stop him that means you’re doing something wrong you’re doing a crime now. Don’t let him marry, but let him experience. - Olleh

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Dear Olleh: Is it strange if me and my best friend treat each other not like friend but like a boyfriend and girlfriend? it's not that I do not like it, i really enjoy it but when we go out with other friends I feel their strange looks on me when we hold hands, we cuddle etc because they know we are just friends and these interactions between us are strange to them. Should we do something about it? maybe try to become a real couple? - Flinging this Spring

Dear Flinging this Spring: There are tons of types of couples—this could be your way. To others, you might look crazy but it's your life, they need to let you be whatever you want. Maybe you're just into each other but this is your way of being a couple. I really believe other people can give their advice or suggestions but they can't say you guys aren't a couple or have to do something different.

Maybe that's your way to be a couple or your way to love each other and that's enough, just enjoy and do what you want. - Olleh

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Dear Olleh: Whenever I feel neglected or I don’t feel assured that my significant other is still interested in me, I resort to breaking up. I don’t feel hurt anymore after breaking up, but I end up missing him and the memories. When I feel hurt, what should I do instead of resorting to a breakup? - Can’t Stop Cutting Ties

Dear Can’t Stop Cutting Ties: First thing is before you start to love someone you have to love yourself first, I really believe that. After you love yourself and you start to love the other person it's really different from when you love them but you don't love yourself. There is a big gap between these two ways.

You have to know how to love yourself, you have to take care of yourself, you have to be more careful to yourself. Think, 'when do I feel sad, when do I feel happy, what makes me feel great, what can I do to help myself.' Then when you start to love the other person you will feel it's very different. You won't wonder if he really likes you. When you love yourself you won't care. If you love yourself you will think, 'if you don't cherish me or care for me, why do I need to spend my time on you? I'm really precious'. If you have your confidence this is how you will feel! So start to love yourself. If they don't like you or cherish you, you just need to kick them out. - Olleh

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Dear Olleh: How much jealousy is still okay? When does it get too much? - Paranoid Partner

Dear Paranoid Partner: I believe this has to do with culture. In Korea, if you start drinking with another man 1v1, it's terrible. But maybe in other countries, it's not bad. One thing I've learned is if you have a lot of confidence in yourself, your jealousy will be low. If you are really confident and really love yourself and know your love is strong, you have faith your partner won’t do something dumb.

The most important thing in a relationship is belief and faith. You have to believe each other and believe in each other. If you are confident and feel your love is strong, you won't feel that much jealousy when they're around other people. There's no set limit, everyone feels jealousy different. When I was young I would be more angry and jealous easily. As I've gotten older I don't feel as bad.

Love is trust, so believe in your girlfriend or boyfriend. If you start to try to control them and be jealous all the time that's not real love. The thing is you can't be toxic because of your jealousy, it's okay to feel it but you can't let it make you toxic. If you feel this way you should talk to them about it politely and tell them what you have a problem with. If they respond well to this and want to work it out that's fine, but if they say, 'what are you talking about I will do whatever I want!' then you need to just say bye. - Olleh

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Dear Olleh: What do you think of long distance/Tinder relationships? - Traveling Sweetheart

Dear Traveling Sweetheart: I think long distance is really really hard. In my experience dating long distance when I moved to Brazil, I realized that we fought a lot. I believe in her but I can't see her! So it's all based on words. You have to have more belief and trust than a normal relationship which is hard. Because you guys miss each other a lot, it turns into fights. I realized that missing each other makes you fight more and you have to talk through it even more when you're long distance. I think it's way way way harder than a normal relationship.

If you seriously want to do that, ask yourself ten times, ask them ten times, and decide after you think about it one hundred times. It's really really hard.

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Dear Olleh: Is self love important? - Anonymous

Dear Anonymous: Yes, I think it's really important. You should love yourself first, then you will realize how important you are. Your body is so important! Every single thing you do: you can think, you can see someone, you can talk to people, you have friends, you have family you love. You will start to cherish everything one by one after you love yourself. Then when you really love yourself your love to other people will be really great—much better than before.

If you really love yourself you will realize, 'now I can give my love to other people, because I love myself and there is lots of heart in my body and I can give it to people.'

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