Hbox Ranks: The Halloween Candy Meta
October 31 2018
For Juan “Hungrybox” Debiedma there's nothing like that feeling you had when you were five years old back in Orlando, packed into a mini-van with all your friends, driving to all the ritziest neighborhoods on the hunt for the best Halloween candy.
He remembers his favorite Halloween costume: Woody from Toy Story. He also remembers dressing up as Peach one year (don't ask). And that one time he dressed up as himself (You can do this to if you wear an Hbox jersey and grow out your beard).
But everyone knows the best part about Halloween isn't the costumes. It's not spending time with your friends. It's all about that sweet, sweet candy.
For Hbox, his palette has changed over the years. But one of the first things he always hoped to see when he dumped his pillowcase full of candy onto the living room floor was Reese's Cups (“The perfect blend of peanut butter and chocolate, and Nerds are the perfect pairing”). While his palette has changed, there still remains two truths:
Pennies and Tootsie Rolls are the shittiest things to give out on Halloween night, and children know you're just emptying your drawers.
Giving entire chocolate bars are top tier Halloween candies, and it shows people you want Trick-Or-Treaters to have a good time.
If there's anyone you should trust when it comes to their opinion on Halloween candies it's Hungrybox. He is the host of Team Liquid's food review series, “Hungry as Fuck,” and he travels around the world trying out local delicacies.
“I'd love to do that for a living instead of Smash,” he told me. “I would drop Smash so quickly.”
Since Hbox can't currently make a living eating ramen, I gave him an alternative task that’s also not lucrative, but will help anyone with a less refined palette this season: Rate Halloween candy. So here is the undisputed Halloween candy tier list. Don't @ him.
Sour Patch Zombie Kids (Orange & Purple)
Hungrybox: I'm going to assume that they taste the same. If they do, this one is a no-brainer: Sour Patch are one of the most beloved candies anyone can have. They're extremely addicting, not overly sour and have the right level of chewiness. You can go through a whole box, easy. This is easily a 9 to a 9.5. The only reason it's not a 10 is because your hands get too sticky afterwards.
Me: Does being only orange and grape flavor take away from that score?
Hungrybox: Being orange and grape by themselves, that's a had carry, but luckily those strike through the most for me. Honestly, when I'm eating Sour Patch I don't care which flavor I'm eating. Green is my favorite though.
Hungrybox: That's always fun. 9 for me.
White Pumpkin Pie M&Ms
Hungrybox: There is one superior M&M... If you get it while out Trick-Or-Treating you're blessed. You will have good luck for seven years. That's the peanut butter M&M. It's superior to the rest of the company and should branch off on its own. They're great. Mew2King had a tier of M&Ms before, but some people on it were completely wrong, per usual for the Internet. But the worst are definitely peanut M&Ms.
Me: I love those... I guess they're a little dry though.
Hungrybox: Those and the regular M&Ms don't offer much.
Me: So what about the white chocolate pumpkin M&Ms?
Hungrybox: White chocolate is good. The pretzel ones are good. There's no inherently bad M&M. The peanut butter M&M is a 10/10. This white chocolate one, I'd fuck with that. Probably 8.5.
Hungrybox: Even if you're having a bad day or a bad life, you have that brief moment of magic when you dip the stick into the powder. You just enjoy it. It's sweet and sour. It's fun. It's a great candy. It's a great example of a well-executed concept. It's not the absolute best candy and they're rare. You don't get them too often. When I grew up, I wanted to be the parent whogave out Fun Dip and Reese's. 8.5.
Hungrybox: They're underrated. They have that right crunch. Hard 8.
Box of Raisins
Hungrybox: Raisins are okay in a bagel with butter. But in anything that's supposed to be savory... That shit's disgusting. Horrible. It's a way to ruin a perfectly good casserole or sandwich. But one place they do belong is in that little red box. You trust it. So stop being a little brat. Eat some fucking fruit. I give it a 7.
Hungrybox: It's weird. If you hadn't had it in a while it's really good. It's so comforting. It's just the right amount of sweet. Not overwhelming. You can eat a handful at first with no problem. It's mid to high-tier, because you can go through a lot of candy corn and still enjoy it. It's a nice, sweet treat. It's a hard 7.
Hungrybox: How many licks does it take? This candy is iconic. I give it at least a 6. The fact that you can count your licks and then bite into it... It's fun to see how many it takes. And the crunch at the end is satisfying. 6.5.
Hungrybox: Skittles are pretty common. They're good, but they get old very quickly. Probably a 6.
Hungrybox: They have never appealed to me. I always got a ton. It's a common chocolate to get. I'll bite into it and not think it's too bad. But the next few bites I notice my mouth gets really waxy. It's better than Hershey's chocolate. That's just awful. I'll give it a 6.
Bootleg Halloween-themed gummies
Hungrybox: Gummy bears are inherently a pure food. Unless they're sugar free, gummy bears get a 6.
Me: Even off-brand ones? The cheap knock-offs given out on Halloween?
Hungrybox: Even the worst gummies are still a 6 to me. Even the shitty ones. Good ones can be upwards to a 9. Like Sour Gummy Worms by Troli. Easy 9. But if you go away from them being bears, that's definitely a nerf. Definitely nerfing the gummy bear. The bear shape is the optimal shape. It's easy to chew. The tiny arms and legs fall into your teeth.
Me: So what about if they're shaped like skeletons and skulls?
Hungrybox: That's kind of weird. Feels like a crime against culture. Some weird ritual. I'd give those at least a 5.
Hungrybox: Sweet Tarts are the superior version. I've eaten many Smarties and I say they suck, but I eat every single one. They're very deceitful. If Adam & Even went to a candy store instead of Eden, the Smarties would be the snake. I don't trust it. They sneak up on you with a weird taste in your mouth. But the feeling of them between your fingers when they're stacked, that texture is pleasing. Like coins. They're middle-tier. Five.
Hungrybox: It's weird because home-baked goods... They're the easiest to put stuff in, if you're a sadistic killer who wants to murder children. They're unratable. I'd never eat it. But the store-bought ones, sure. They're a nice salty substitute to eat in between candy. Rainbow popcorn is pretty good, too. But it's nothing too special. Very average. 5.
Candy Bracelets & Necklaces
Hungrybox: It's really weird because you have to bite them off the string. The string gets in your mouth. It's slobbered on, full of drool. You're left with this weird soggy noodle string thing. It's very unpleasant. But the candy itself is decent. 4.5.
Hungrybox: I've never been on the marshmallow trend. Texture-wise, they're not appealing to me. There's only one place they belong: Between a graham cracker and a piece of chocolate after being lit on fire and burnt to a crisp. And s'mores are broken, busted with Ghirardelli Chocolate. The secret's out. But Peeps in general are gross as fuck. The outside layer is sweet, which is kind of nice. But it's a 2 or 3. Pretty near the bottom.
Me: What about a Peep in a s'more?
Hungrybox: That might be good.
Bazooka Bubble Gum
Hungrybox: Pink gum is kind of nasty. There are way better gums. It loses it's flavor really, really quickly. I give it a 4. It's still gum. But it's a bad candy.
Hungrybox: 2 by default.
Hungrybox: These are a sub-2, maybe a one. They're Smarties but with two added layers of irony. But it still takes itself seriously. It's a mistake of a candy. I wouldn't give it to my kids. Unless they were being complete dicks.
Red Hot Tamales
Hungrybox: Absolutely horrible. Hot cinnamon candies are meant for people who listen to Nickelback. Negative 2.
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